In my capacity as a public high school teacher, it sometimes happens that I am approached by a student who asks me for advice regarding a personal crisis. On a couple of occasions, including one very recent one, the crisis has been centered upon the subject of religion. The school where I teach is located in an extremely rural pocket of the American Midwest, and so, as is common in such areas, the dominant community religious affiliation is a very conservative Protestant evangelicalism. Even some of the more mainline denominational churches out here, such as the Methodists and Presbyterians, often possess a distinctly greater evangelical flavor than they do elsewhere.
This, in tandem with the related political and social conservatism that characterizes the area, can make for a cultural atmosphere that seems distinctly oppressive, especially for young persons who are just beginning to question things. The typical religious crisis for a teen around here involves a first awakening to doubt. A particularly bright and self-aware teen may begin to realize that the only reason he or she subscribes to his or her inherited belief system is because, well, it’s inherited. “I’ve always been taught these things,” the teen will say, “but how do I really know they’re true? How does anybody know them?” This is a severely destabilizing experience for anybody, but it can be especially difficult when it occurs to a person who is surrounded by family, friends, and authority figures who view such questioning as threatening and bad.
So I’ve decided to use my blog here to offer my generalized response to the students who have come to me with this problem, and also to those who may do so in the future. This particular post thus represents a break from my customary ill-tempered outbursts. Not to worry; I’ll return to form in the near future.
And so. . .
* * * * *
I’m glad you felt comfortable coming to me with your problem. It’s good to know that you feel relaxed enough with me to broach such a serious personal issue. I’ve been told by several people that I’m always “questioning things” in my classroom, referring specifically to religious beliefs, social issues, and the like. More than one parent has told me this was the message their son or daughter brought home about my classes. I’m honestly not sure how I generate this impression, because I don’t know of a single thing I say or do that even approaches the edge of the proverbial envelope, let alone pushes it. Maybe I’m just so inherently out of step with the prevailing religious and social attitudes and assumptions down here that I don’t even notice it. Maybe I push the envelope because I’ve forgotten how near its leading edge lies, even though I, too, was raised in this area.
Speaking of which, back when I was in high school I experienced a crisis of doubt similar to your own. I was raised in a church and a town similar to yours, and as a teen I, too, began to doubt everything that I had been told. Once this questioning started, it never really ended but instead went on to become a central part of who I am. So more than merely sympathizing with you, I identify with you and want to offer all the help I can. I’m not sure that I have any genuine wisdom to pass on, but as somebody who has journeyed a considerable distance down the path that it seems you’ve just entered upon, maybe I can at least offer a little guidance and advice.
If I have any useful advice at all, it boils down to this: You shouldn’t feel in the least bit guilty for doubting and questioning your inherited religious beliefs. In fact, you should work to increase the scope and precision of the very questions that are troubling you, because it’s only by doing this that you’re going to learn how to state the exact nature of what’s bothering you. And until you can state your questions precisely, you won’t know how to answer them. There’s a very good case to be made for the idea that a person doesn’t really “own” a belief unless he or she has questioned it and arrived at a real reason for it. Short of that, you’re merely following a program like a robot or computer. You merely believe things because you’ve been taught them, and if you ever happen to encounter challenges to these beliefs, you perceive these challenges as threats, and the only way you can keep your faith intact is to blindly reassert your beliefs without really understanding what you’re saying. And this is satisfying to no one, least of all to you.
So I would encourage you to “stay with” your questions, maybe even to write them down and reflect on them deeply in order to get to the bottom of what’s really troubling you. Can you articulate to yourself the general nature of what’s bothering you in just one or two statements or questions? Obviously it goes far beyond any specific question about a given doctrinal issue. For example, let’s say you’re questioning the traditional story that Satan rebelled against God and was expelled from heaven, and that he now rules hell and somehow exerts an evil influence on planet earth. If you have noticed that this is a rather strange story, and you’re perceiving problems and contradictions in it, and you’re wondering how in the world anybody ever came up with it, and furthermore, why anybody would believe it or teach it to others, doesn’t your question extend beyond this single issue? Aren’t you asking more generally about all such stories and beliefs? And isn’t your question not just about reasons for believing or disbelieving these stories, but more profoundly, about religious knowledge in general? Aren’t you asking how it’s possible, or even if it’s possible, really to know such things at all? And when you ask this, aren’t you asking about the nature of authority itself, as in the claim that the Bible is “God’s word,” completely without error and entirely sufficient on its own for achieving salvation? How does anybody know that? Where does such a claim come from?
I could keep going with this ferreting-out of some of the deeper issues and ramifications of basic, surface-level religious questions, but I’ll refrain because the only thing that’s really going to work is for you to do this for yourself. As for the best way to go about it, I’ve found that it’s been most useful to me, in fact it’s been encouraging, inspiring, and even exhilarating, to read the words of other people who have worked their way through similar problems. You don’t feel quite so odd and alone when you see that all kinds of people—intelligent, good people, including some of the most respected people in the world—have struggled with the same issues.
To take only one example, you might consider reading Jesus: What He Really Said and Did by Stephen Mitchell. Please understand that in pointing you to this particular book, I’m not suggesting that it represents “The Answer.” I merely choose it because in the introduction, Mitchell describes his experiences with exactly the same kinds of thoughts that are plaguing you. His background is different than yours or mine (he’s a Jew by birth) but his inner experience is still very similar, and I think it might prove helpful for you to read this account of a very sensitive and intelligent person’s way of working these things out. Mitchell is a world-renowned literary scholar and translator whose sensitivity and keenness of thought is vividly apparent in his writing.
Note, however, that the answer he arrives at would certainly be viewed as shocking and heretical by your church, since his position is that Jesus was not the unique “son of God” and savior of the world, as orthodox historical Christianity teaches, but was instead a deeply enlightened spiritual teacher of the same type as the Buddha, Lao Tzu (the supposed founder of Taoism), and many others. Thus, he believes that the whole mass of theological stories and ideas that compose orthodox Christianity, the whole package of beliefs that you told me you’re wondering about, is just a bunch of mythology that doesn’t represent the true heart of Jesus’ message. Nor is he alone in this; an army of respected historical figures, including such prominent Americans as Thomas Jefferson and Mark Twain, have held the same opinion. So do a host of contemporary Christian denominations, including the Disciples of Christ, Lutherans, Presbyterians, and Methodists. I don’t mean they equate Jesus with the Buddha, but that they reject in part or in whole the mythological-seeming aspects of the Jesus story that are so very central to the fundamentalist and evangelical form of the religion that you’re growing up with. I remember being quite surprised as a teen, and even when I was in my twenties, to learn more about this, since I had been raised to believe that “Christianity,” generically and universally, was the type that I had been taught, whereas in fact the breadth of opinions and beliefs among different varieties of Christians is vast.
However, as I already said, I’m not telling you that Stephen Mitchell and others who believe like him have “The Answer.” I simply offer his book to you as an example of the way one person has dealt with the questions. Others who faced similar crises of doubt have gone an entirely different direction by returning to a much-reinforced traditional Christian faith. One of the most notable of these is C.S. Lewis, author of The Chronicles of Narnia and probably the most widely read and beloved Christian author of the twentieth century. He was raised a Christian but then went on a spiritual journey from atheism through various philosophical systems and back again to orthodox Christianity. His nonfiction books represent some of the most intelligent statements of the traditional historical Christian faith that you’re going to find, and they offer plenty of arguments and reasons for why one should believe that way.
Speaking of which, you may not be aware that Christian theology, meaning all the beliefs that various Christians hold about God and the way the universe is set up, didn’t just get handed down from heaven. Christian belief has a very long history that involves a lot of very intelligent people, and also a lot of very unintelligent people, and some nice people, and some self-serving people, and compassionate people, and intolerant people, and honest people, and dishonest people, and fanatics, and reasonable people, all of them debating and arguing with each other about what Jesus really meant and taught, and how he was and is related to God, and who or what God is, and how we should therefore believe and behave and worship, and what is the meaning of the scriptures that have been handed down to us, and so on. If you delve into this history—and the resources are readily available in libraries and on the Internet—you’ll find there’s a lot more to your inherited religion than you’re currently aware of.
On the other hand, there are people who have started questioning their religion and have ended up as total skeptics, agnostics, and atheists. I’m sure you know what atheism means. Skeptics and agnostics believe that it’s impossible to know the answer to questions about God and other such matters, and so they learn to live with uncertainty. They even preach it as a virtue, since a person who doesn’t think that he has the ultimate answer to everything will be unlikely to turn into a fanatic and oppress or kill other people the way religious zealots have done throughout history.
So the point is that once you start doubting and questioning, and not only that, but sharpening and clarifying your questions and honestly following them where they lead, there’s no guarantee where you’ll land. I urge you to hold on tight to your inner freedom to ask these honest questions and follow them wherever they take you. Truth can’t be hurt by questions; rather, it can only be discovered by means of them. I remember being angered when I was a teen by people who, although they might say my religious questioning was permissible or even valuable, wanted to determine the outcome of it in advance. It was as if they were telling me, “Yes, it’s fine to question things—but only if you end up back here with the right answers!” That attitude spells the death of intellectual and spiritual inquiry since it assumes the answers are already settled from the start, so in the end, why even question? Don’t listen to people when they lay that kind of thing on you. And trust me, they will do it, whether in person or in the books you read. There’s a very inferior type of “Christian” book that is based on this very approach, which doesn’t seek answers so much as offer rationalizations for “answers” that are supposedly already known. These books fill many shelves in the religious or devotional sections of bookstores. There are also many such writings scattered all over the Internet. So I urge you to beware of them. If you’re reading something and notice that the author isn’t actually encouraging you to think for yourself, but is instead offering pat rationalizations for prefabricated answers, then you’re in bad hands. And of course it isn’t just Christian authors who do this; people advancing the cause of other faith traditions, and also of atheism and other secular beliefs, can be and often are guilty of the same.
And now a word of caution: It’s all too easy, when you’re really in the midst of a personal crisis of doubt, to begin to regard everyone around you as zombies. You hear your preacher and parents and teachers and friends spouting the same old beliefs that you yourself are now recognizing for the first time as highly questionable, and your tendency is to fall into an attitude of scorn and resentment toward everyone. Maybe this is inevitable, maybe a person simply has to go through it—I know I did, and still do—but it’s nevertheless valuable to bear in mind that you don’t know for sure what all these people are thinking and feeling. You don’t know for sure that they haven’t experienced and thought the same things as you. Maybe their present attitudes are the products of inner crises that they themselves have faced. And even if not, even if these people really are living unreflectively and treating you unfairly by squashing your honest questions and condemning you for daring to think for yourself, it’s only natural for them to care about your inner life if they really care about you. Especially when it comes to your parents, it’s only natural for them to worry if it seems that you’re doubting or rejecting what they’ve worked hard to teach you. It’s natural for your friends, especially the ones who don’t share your reflectiveness and therefore haven’t begun to question their own beliefs, to misunderstand or even judge you when they hear your doubts about the religious doctrines that you and they have been taught.
Which is all to say that you should consider working to maintain an attitude of tolerance and compassion toward these people. I might also suggest, based on all this, that your questions at this point are better directed at yourself than at others. As I think you’ve already discovered the hard way, it might be the wise course not to talk too much about these things unless you’re fairly confident you’re talking to someone who won’t take them the wrong way. One of the most visible characteristics of your town is its distinct parochialism in social, political, and religious matters. (If you don’t know the meaning of “parochialism,” look it up.) You may think you’re already aware of this, but I promise you that you can’t truly understand it until you’ve gotten some distance on the place, whether by physically moving somewhere else or by enlarging your perspective through books. People in places like this like to forget—either that, or else never find out to begin with—that they’re living in a tiny, isolated pocket of rural culture whose fundamental attitudes and assumptions aren’t shared by everybody everywhere. If they ever talk about “the way things are,” all too often they confuse the way things are right here, for them, with the way things are for everyone. This isn’t to slam your hometown; all rural areas are the same throughout the United States and the rest of the world, and there is, in fact, much to praise about the way of life in these places as compared to the way of life in more populous and urbanized areas. But I do understand from personal experience that it can feel overwhelmingly restrictive, to the point of making you claustrophobic, to grow up in a place like this, which is why is why I mention the issue. You’ll notice that I myself have chosen to make a life in this area even though I don’t see things the way most people around here do. Maybe that should tell you something.
A final thought: You may find that the things you read and study in school seem more significant to you now that you’ve begun to question things. It’s easy when you’re young to view the authors, books, ideas, and information that you’re presented with in school as just more of the same boring stuff that your life has always presented to you. But when you wake up and begin to realize that everything isn’t necessarily the way you’ve always been told, it can make history and books come alive because when you read, for example, the history of European religious controversies in the 16th century, or when you read a poet’s or novelist’s expression of religious curiosity or anguish, or any of a thousand other things, you now realize personally that these things involved real people asking real questions because they were really important to their real lives. You find that you actually feel the significance of history, art, literature, science, in a way that you never did before. And this is one of the most valuable, life-enriching things that can happen to a person.
And finally, a suggested reading list, and a very short one so as not to overwhelm you:
Books:
- Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis—This is available in bookstores everywhere. It’s probably the single most read and referenced theological book in the English language. It also presents complex and profound ideas couched in quite readable prose.
- The Wisdom of Insecurity by Alan Watts—This one presents a view of Christianity, and of religion in general, that is quite different from that of Lewis. In general it’s more like Mitchell’s Jesus: What He Said and Did, but with important differences. Watts, like Lewis, was a hugely influential writer.
- Faith, Reason, and Doubt, an online book at http://hypermetrics.com/personal/frd.html—I haven’t read this one in its entirety, but by browsing it I’ve seen that it deals directly with your struggle. The author describes his awakening to doubt and his eventual recovery of an informed, reasonable Christian faith.
- The Christian Agnostic by Leslie Weatherhead—Late in the book Weatherhead becomes preoccupied with paranormal phenomena, but early on he deals with the issue of people who have trouble believing many of the traditional Christian stories and claims but still want to remain Christian. I’m not sure whether this one is still in print; you may have to look to a used bookseller.
Other readings:
- www.infidels.org—This is the Website for the Internet Infidels, where people who self-style themselves to be infidels, which means nonbelievers in anything religious or spiritual, gather to share essays, conversations, and more. If you browse the site, you can find people’s accounts of having completely given up all of their religious beliefs. It’s a gathering place for atheists and skeptics and such. The last I knew, many people had posted their personal stories of being deconverted from the Christianity of their youth. Beware, though, of the raw hostility to religion that is sometimes apparent at this site. I know you’re not used to encountering this.
- “Great Doubt, Great Awakening,” a sermon by a Presbyterian minister at http://www.bmpc.org/Sermons/Sermon_of_April_18_2004.htm
- “The Centrality of Doubt,” a sermon by a Presbyterian minister at http://www.fprespa.org/centrality.htm
- “Doubt, Faith, and Truth,” an essay http://www.ncethicalsociety.org/rb.doubt.faith.html
- “Philosophy Talk,” a blog to accompany a radio show of the same title, at http://theblog.philosophytalk.org (see the January 8th, 2005 entry)
- “Faith and doubt,” an essay at http://www.rationalnorth.com/faith%20and%20doubt.htm
- “Doubt: The Tides of Faith,” an article at http://www.anewkindofchristian.com/archives/000159.html
Quotations on the value of doubting:
Judge a man by his questions rather than by his answers
—Voltaire
If you would be a real seeker after truth, it is necessary that at least once in your life you doubt, as far as possible, all things.
—Rene Descartes
To have doubted one's own first principles is the mark of a civilized man.
—Oliver Wendell Holmes
The demand for certainty is one which is natural to man, but is nevertheless an intellectual vice. If you take your children for a picnic on a doubtful day, they will demand a dogmatic answer as to whether it will be fine or wet, and be disappointed in you when you cannot be sure. The same sort of assurance is demanded, in later life, of those who undertake to lead populations into the Promised Land. Liquidate the capitalists and the survivors will enjoy eternal bliss. Exterminate the Jews and everyone will be virtuous. Kill the Croats and let the Serbs reign. These are samples of the slogans that have won wide popular acceptance in our time. Even a modicum of philosophy would make it impossible to accept such bloodthirsty nonsense. But so long as men are not trained to withhold judgment in the absence of evidence, they will be led astray by cocksure prophets, and it is likely that their leaders will be either ignorant fanatics or dishonest charlatans. To endure uncertainty is difficult, but so are most of the other virtues. For the learning of every virtue there is an appropriate discipline, and for the learning of suspended judgment the best discipline is philosophy.
—Bertrand Russell
You tell me, doubt is Devil-born. . .
There lives more faith in honest doubt,
Believe me, than in half the creeds.
—Alfred, Lord Tennyson
Who never doubted, never half believed. Where doubt is, there truth is—it is her shadow.
—Ambrose Bierce
Doubt is the beginning, not the end, of wisdom.
—George Iles
Talk to me about the varied practices of faith and I will listen gladly. Talk to me about the challenges of faith and I will listen attentively. But don't come talking to me about the certainties of faith or I shall suspect that you don't understand.
—C.S. Lewis
To doubt, to really doubt, seriously, is to rise to the level of the person whose thoughts one is doubting, to wrestle with angels so to speak. To doubt seriously is the only route to developing one's individuality. . . . Persons who do not doubt their own thoughts at times, do not really wish to know the truth.
—Richard Feringer
This freedom to doubt is an important matter in the sciences and, I believe, in other fields. It was born of a struggle. It was a struggle to be permitted to doubt, to be unsure. And I do not want us to forget the importance of the struggle and, by default, to let the thing fall away. I feel a responsibility as a scientist who knows the great value of a satisfactory philosophy of ignorance, and the progress made possible by such a philosophy, progress which is the fruit of freedom of thought. I feel a responsibility to proclaim the value of this freedom and to teach that doubt is not to be feared, but that it is to be welcomed as the possibility of a new potential for human beings. If you know that you are not sure, you have a chance to improve the situation. I want to demand this freedom for future generations.
—Richard Feynman
If a man, holding a belief which he was taught in childhood or persuaded of afterwards, keeps down and pushes away any doubts which arise about it in his mind, purposely avoids the reading of books and the company of men that call into question or discuss it, and regards as impious those questions which cannot easily be asked without disturbing it—the life of that man is one long sin against mankind.
—W.K. Clifford